36 36 questions to fall in love
The “36 questions to fall in love” come from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues, which found that pairs of strangers who took turns answering increasingly personal questions felt noticeably closer afterwards.
This is our own version of that format, written for lovepsychic.me — not the original study questions. Same structure: three sets of twelve, each a little more open than the last.
- Take turns. Both of you answer every question before moving on.
- Go in order. The gradual build is the point — it lets trust keep pace with openness.
- Set aside about an hour. The original study ended with four minutes of eye contact; that part is optional.
Set I — getting acquainted
Light, curious and easy to answer.
- What's a small thing you're quietly proud of that most people never notice?
- When you were a kid, what did you imagine your grown-up life would feel like?
- What makes you feel most like yourself?
- Is there a song that always finds you at the right moment?
- What's something you've changed your mind about in the last few years?
- When do you feel most at ease around other people?
- What did your family teach you about love, without ever saying it out loud?
- What's a place that feels like it belongs to you?
- What's a compliment you struggle to believe?
- If we had a slow, empty Sunday, how would you want to spend it?
- What does a genuinely good ordinary day look like for you?
- What household thing do we keep not-talking about?
Set II — the stories behind you
Where you come from and what shaped you.
- What's a version of you I never got to meet?
- Which old relationship taught you the most, and what was the lesson?
- What's something from your past you've made peace with?
- Is there a fear you carry that started long before me?
- What did younger you need to hear that no one said?
- How has your idea of love changed since your first one?
- What's a story about your family that explains a lot about you?
- Is there anything from before us you wish I understood better?
- What did you have to unlearn to be in a good relationship?
- When did you first feel like an adult?
- Is there a dream you've stopped mentioning because it felt unrealistic?
- What do you want to be braver about?
Set III — closer
About the two of you, here, now.
- When do you feel most loved by me — and is it what I think it is?
- What's the difference, for you, between feeling wanted and feeling safe?
- When was the last time you felt truly seen by me?
- What makes you feel closest to me — physically, or in some other way?
- Is there something tender you find hard to say out loud?
- What does it look like when I'm at my most loving, in your eyes?
- What's something you need more of from me lately?
- Is there a conversation we keep avoiding?
- What would you like us to be gentler about?
- Is there a promise you'd like us to make each other?
- What's the truth you'd tell me if you knew I wouldn't flinch?
- What do you most want me to understand about you right now?
More ways in
Questions people ask
Do the 36 questions really make you fall in love?
Not on their own. The original study measured feelings of closeness, not love. What the questions reliably do is create the gradual, mutual openness that closeness tends to grow from.
Are these the original 36 questions from the study?
No. These are our own questions written in the same three-set, gradually deepening format. The original list was published by Arthur Aron and colleagues in 1997.
Can couples who are already together use the 36 questions?
Yes — many long-term couples find they learn something new. Treat it as a date rather than a test.